Isn't it Ironic???

Yesterday I made the decision to shut down my Facebook for a short time. I was feeling stressed by peoples negative posts and passive aggressive behavior. I would literally lose sleep over things I had no control over and drama that I was not even involved in! Not to mention that I felt I spent too much time catching up on all the status updates instead of enjoying precious moments with my family.

Avoid negativity and drama...that was my plan and I was sticking to it!

Until today.

I don't want to get into specifics but I divulged information about someone knowing that it would get back to them. I knew a girl felt threatened by a girl that I know...and I know their parent VERY well. I knew that the information would get back to the parent and to be honest and I hadn't really thought about what I wanted to come of it. Was I trying to prove my own point? That their child was in the wrong? Should their child have repercussions? Sadly, I'm not sure.

Well the information was not received well by the parent. In fact, they actually had the nerve attacked MY PARENTING SKILLS! SAY WHAT????!!!! OH NO YOU DIDN'T???!!!

I can be hot tempered. Texts were exchanged and I let my mouth and my anger get the best of me and I said some REALLY shitty things. Some real low blows. Even now, I meant most of what I said but did it really need to be said? Especially now?
There was some real drama. I'm disappointed in the other parent for justifying their childs' disgusting behavior but I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my reaction to the situation.  My decision to share the information in the first place may have even just ruined a relationship.

Here I sit at midnight now angry at myself. I should have been the bigger person. I could have not replied to the text. I could have tried to be politically correct. But I did not do any of those things.

So I find it ironic that the day after I thought I rid myself of the most negative aspect of my life...the drama of Facebook...I find myself in this situation.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I do not wish to salvage the relationship with said parent, nor their child. But I live with the fact that I said some really ugly things.
I did learn that even though I KNOW I'M RIGHT and I have a real way with words :)  the disappointment with myself for stooping so low is not always worth it.

Get it down, Get it out...and move on!

Now that I've graduated, I feel enormous pressure to find a job. I did not expect this. The whole plan, from the start, was to get on the sub list and sub for a couple years until I found something permanent and the kids are in school full time. I thought I would graduate and enjoy the freedom. However, I feel like I am fresh out of college (10 years ago) and trying to find my way in life. School loans are staring me in the face and the interest on those bad boys keeps me up at night. So for the last few days my mind has been unfocused, I've been stressed, and I am eating more sugar than the rest of the year combined!!!

So I just need to get EVERYTHING that is bothering me out...and maybe, just maybe, I will feel better.

-I want to become CrossFit/CrossFit Kids certified...the cost to do this is outrageous. I'll probably do it anyway.
-I need a job. Do I settle for something unrelated to teaching just to have an income or go with plan A and sub.
-Plan A- sub. Well, how do I arrange childcare and getting kids to and from school if I don't know whether I'm working or not. I can't afford to put them in daycare/afterschool programs all day without an income large enough to offset that cost.
-I find myself very critical of others lately. I know its because I'm stressed and struggling personally with this whole job thing but I REALLY hate being so negative.
-Our newest car is in the shop. I'm expecting the cost of repairs to drain our savings. Wonder why I'm stressed about finances???
-I'm running the Barrel to Keg (Philomath to Newport) with a group of crazy athletes. I'm excited to be part of their team and hope I don't let them down!
-It's Sunday which means there are no CrossFit classes today. I am having withdrawals. I am so bored. The kids and I have gone grocery shopping, to my moms, made mud pies in the backyard, watched a movie, cut Nathans hair, laundry and dishes...it just all seems so much better after an ass kicking workout.

I think the commonality between most of these things is $$$$. Once the school year starts and I can sub   hope things fall into place. Otherwise I will be one difficult lady to be around :)

An Excellent Week!

The week isn't even over, but tomorrow is Friday so that is just one more thing to be happy about!

After a rough couple weeks with Toby and then making the decision to let him go live with another family (best decision we could have made), this week turned into one of the best ones I have had in a very long time!

Some of the highlights:
-Getting back to my normal routine...post dog.
-Kendall decided this would be a great week to start going in a "big girl" potty
-We did our taxes and let's just say we jumped for joy!
-Thanks to tax returns, we are planning our trip to Vegas in May
-I had my formal observation for school yesterday and got a great evaluation. My field supervisor went out of his way to call me last night to give me one of the best compliments a teacher could get..."The qualities I saw in you today can't be taught."  He says he has seen everything he needs to see already and will recommend me any day!!
-My Internal Review Board Application finally got approved so I can start this dang MAT project!
-I am down at least 4 pounds since the 2nd of January and at least 2.5% body fat.

This all sounds so "me me me" but I've needed a week like this to make me realize that everything I do, day in and day out, has a purpose and I AM making progress!! Regardless of gray skies and rain...my life is all sunshine baby!!!

Nathan

While Nathan bathes, we often rhyme or some play with words. Tonight we were naming things in bathroom that starts with the letter 'T.' Simple enough...but had no idea this would happen...
Nathan: "TITS! Ya, tits!"
(Me hunched over laughing and playing stupid) "What are those?"
Nathan: "Its short for Texas."

Thanks for clarification buddy.

Car ride home tonight, just me and Nathan.

Nathan: "Mom when can we move to Redmond so I can take karate with Maggie. Or even move to Sisters. They look like they have nice food there. But when can we got to France?"

Me (trying to keep up with his thought process): "Why do you want to go to France?

Nathan: "They don't have dessert there so we can live there and eat healthier. And like we had a fridge in our room at GreatWolf but it didn't really have food in it. Just water bottles and old people food."

This is where he lost me until he says...

"When I take karate I'll be able to beat peoples fat butts like yours. Yep, you have a fat butt." THANKS KID!

What the heck???

So you might already know, but we got a dog. A 6 month old puggle. He's adorable, energetic, and thinks Cass and I walk on water.
I didn't want a dog. I still don't think I do. But Cass has been putting the pressure on for quite a while and when I saw Toby's face I had a moment of weakness. We brought Toby home a week ago and I am really struggling with this decision. I am mad at myself for struggling because its not fair to Cass (or the kids....who like Toby but don't pay much attention to him) and its especially not fair to Toby. He's a good dog, seems to be learning quickly, and is SO cute! It isn't Toby that I don't like. It's everything else that comes along with owning a dog, a puppy.
For the last week I have been in a real slump. Depressed. STUPID RIGHT?! It's a dog. Get over it already and love the damn boy! But I can't shake it and I'm trying to figure out why.
Those who know me well know that I'm emotional. I always have been. The older I get the more methodical my thinking is. I wish you could sit inside my head and watch my brain work! I like organization in my day, my week, and plan ahead. I know what my week looks like before it even starts. In my head I've planned out my clothes, kids lunches, what laundry needs to be done, when to grocery shop, etc and I don't deviate very often. I have no need to. My life is about my family and my kids. As long as I'm doing things that benefit them, then I'm on schedule.
So what does this have to do with getting a dog...
I became more of a thinker/planner after I had Nathan. I had post pardum depression after Nate and I swear it took years for me to get over. Having a baby is so totally and completely life changing that I lost myself in motherhood. My overall appearance and health took a backseat. Then as soon as Nathan was getting to the age where he was more independent and I was able to start focusing a little more on myself, I got pregnant with Kendall. I had ppd after Kendall too but I was prepared with my prescription bottle before I left the hospital so I didn't feel quite as bad as the first time. I struggle with lack of "independency" if that is even a word. So even though I love my babies more than life itself, I put myself last on the list of priorities for the first year or so until they become less dependent on me.
I'm starting to sound like an idiot I know...I get a dog and all of a sudden I'm reminiscing about my ppd.  But ever since Cass brought Toby home, I feel like I have post pardum! It is that type of depression that makes it hard for me to focus, concentrate, and enjoy the little things.
I LOVED where I was at in life a week ago. I felt SO blessed. I felt like life was perfect and things were all falling into place. I'm wrapping up my MAT program in a few months, I still get to be mommy and take the kids to school, pick them up, take them places during the day, have dinner together, go to the gym at the crack of dawn, and ANYTHING else I wanted. PURE HAPPINESS!
But nowI feel like I have an infant. An infant I didn't birth. An infant that I really hadn't planned on until the day of. An infant that needs training, lots of training. And let me mention that with Cass' work schedule, I'm on dog duty four full days and nights of the week by myself (with the exception of a three hours a day). Let me also mention that I'm a grad student with one and a half terms left of full time student teaching, action research project and teacher work samples. Oh, and did I mention I pride myself on being a mommy to my two babies??? Did I mention that I have my own health and fitness goals that take time at the gym???
I feel like I gave up all my happiness and independence so that my family can experience having a dog. And I'm sad. I feel like a coward.
Will I grow out of this feeling as he gets a little older, more trained? Will I learn to live with all the extra responsibility? Will I resent my husband for my moment of weakness? Do I sacrifice my happiness and contentment for Toby?? It sounds so selfish and I don't' know the answer to any of these questions. The hardest part is looking at this sweet dog and knowing he deserves such a happy life but I can't seem to find it in me to love making that happen for him and I'm beating myself up over it!

My baby is turning TWO!!!

I can't believe my baby girl turns TWO on Monday!!! We are celebrating with a family party tomorrow...Mickey Mouse style!  I look at this first picture from when she was two days old and my heart melts! Look how little both my babies are!!! I can not believe what a difference a couple of short years makes!

The rest of the pictures are from the first half of this year...and maybe one from Christmas time.

(totally bummed I couldn't rotate this...this is where she hangs out when we go outside to play!)

A few little tidbits on this nugget:

• Favorite color: Purple, hence the color of the font.
• Really only started talking around Christmas time but has not stopped yet. Is putting her noun and verb together to make short sentences...her language just took off once she figured it out!
• Thinks she's supposed to pee standing up like her brother.
• Great sleeper...finally! For the last year she sleeps about twelve hours a night (730 or 8pm until between 7 and 8 am).
• Resists nap time. Just plays and bounces and POOPS! She saves this for nap time...I'm sure of it!
• Also resists wearing dresses. She prefers leggings or Nathan's clothes.
• Kendall is such a ray of sunshine around here. She loves to be a goofball and make us laugh. She knows she's funny and really plays it up!
• LOVES to play with her babies. Sleeps with two of them every night.
• Gives Nathan a run for his money...sometimes I hear him screaming because she's got him pinned!

I am so blessed for both of my babies!!! They are beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, and little monsters all rolled into perfect little bodies of goodness!  THANK YOU LORD!!!!

A time to reflect...

The other day I was asked by my gym, Fitness Experience, to be "Member of the Month" of the month of May. They highlight my fitness/weight loss journey on the wall with before and after pictures and a little bio. It was such a flattering feeling to be recognized for all my hard work and progress. It was also a great time to reflect on my journey. I have to admit that it also makes me a little emotional. I've been a good mom, a good wife, friend, daughter, sister and I HAVE been happy. I have a great life. But I've realized that I can't be TRULY happy until I love myself first. I have not been doing that the last several years and it makes me sad. I had a hard time finding pictures of me from the last five years because they are few and far between...I preferred to be behind the camera. Anyway, I want to share my story because I am proud of how far I've come, the changes I've made and hopefully I can inspire someone else.

My BIO:

My name is Traci Beaver and my journey to better health really began about six years ago. My husband, Cass, and I were married in 2006 and shortly after decided to start our family. Being a mom is all I've ever wanted to be in life and I've been blessed with two beautiful babies, Nathan age 4.5 and Kendall, age 2.  Growing up, I was always active and involved in sports. My weight was never an issue and I had the self confidence that matched. During my first pregnancy I gained 65 lbs. The weight did not fall off as quickly as it packed itself on. After Nathan was born and I was the heaviest I've ever been, my self esteem and self confidence plummeted. I immersed my self in motherhood to avoid having to deal with my outward appearance. I wore oversized sweatshirts and hand me down jeans, with no desire to go shopping or look in a mirror. I have always enjoyed exercise and have always been a member of a gym but no matter how hard I worked, I did not see the results I expected. In 2009, I got pregnant with Kendall. Although I did not gain as much weight during the pregnancy, I still weighed in at 200 lbs the night she was born. A couple of months before Kendall was born, I joined Fitness Experience because it was a close location to our new home and I loved that they offered good classes that I could eventually be part of. It took me several months after Kendall was born to really put my gym shoes on and get back to FE. 

At the New Year 2011, FE put on a team weight loss competition. I was asked to join a team of a great group of women. Although our team did not win, I dropped some weight and was feeling strong. I was running on my own and doing Iron Fit with Cody and Melissa. Once the competition was over I did not make any more progress and my dedication slipped. I was still feeling sorry for myself. My brother and sister are amazing people who always look phenomenal. My sister competed in the Crossfit Games last year and living up to her achievements is near impossible! I just knew that I would always be the "chubby sister" and was really trying to convince myself that I would have to get used to it.

In January of this year I signed up for Rock Your Jeans here at the gym. I needed one last push towards my goals, not just losing weight and getting fit, but I needed to change my mentality. I promised myself that this year would be the year of Mind, Body and Soul. I took the meal plan from Deanna and put my plan into action. I started running three or four times a week, Zumba three times a week, and doing Gravity in the mornings with Brenda. Within the first four weeks I started to see some changes in my body. Something clicked and I knew that there was no going back...EVER! I joined Andrew's Fit Camp and started adding tabata sprints at the end of my runs, and was sticking with my Zone diet. EMPOWERED. That's how I started to feel. Not only that but I rocked my jeans!!!!! Since January, I am down 8 lbs and several jean sizes!!! I ran in a 5K over the weekend and got my new PR...25:42 (and it ended UP HILL!!)

The biggest changes happened on the inside. The negative self talk and name calling turned in to more positive encouragement. Me, myself and I are finally starting to work as a team and it  feels great. I'm happier, more confident, and I shop! I could not have done it without the support system that I am surrounded by. My husbands supports me as I take more time away from my family to work on myself. The constant encouragement and motivation from the trainers and staff at the gym are huge. They all believe in me and there is no way I'm letting them down. Lastly, I feel like I have a family of friends here at the gym. Knowing I will see their faces help get me to class when I'm feeling a little sluggish. 

I know I'm not the fastest or the strongest but I'm the happiest I've been in years. I am still working towards my goals and I know that getting there is a reality. My motto:

"Wake up with determination, go to bed with satisfaction!" (unknown author)

 

 My 'BEFORE' pic...September 2008.

My silly after photo...Taken on Easter, April 8, 2012.