What the heck???

So you might already know, but we got a dog. A 6 month old puggle. He's adorable, energetic, and thinks Cass and I walk on water.
I didn't want a dog. I still don't think I do. But Cass has been putting the pressure on for quite a while and when I saw Toby's face I had a moment of weakness. We brought Toby home a week ago and I am really struggling with this decision. I am mad at myself for struggling because its not fair to Cass (or the kids....who like Toby but don't pay much attention to him) and its especially not fair to Toby. He's a good dog, seems to be learning quickly, and is SO cute! It isn't Toby that I don't like. It's everything else that comes along with owning a dog, a puppy.
For the last week I have been in a real slump. Depressed. STUPID RIGHT?! It's a dog. Get over it already and love the damn boy! But I can't shake it and I'm trying to figure out why.
Those who know me well know that I'm emotional. I always have been. The older I get the more methodical my thinking is. I wish you could sit inside my head and watch my brain work! I like organization in my day, my week, and plan ahead. I know what my week looks like before it even starts. In my head I've planned out my clothes, kids lunches, what laundry needs to be done, when to grocery shop, etc and I don't deviate very often. I have no need to. My life is about my family and my kids. As long as I'm doing things that benefit them, then I'm on schedule.
So what does this have to do with getting a dog...
I became more of a thinker/planner after I had Nathan. I had post pardum depression after Nate and I swear it took years for me to get over. Having a baby is so totally and completely life changing that I lost myself in motherhood. My overall appearance and health took a backseat. Then as soon as Nathan was getting to the age where he was more independent and I was able to start focusing a little more on myself, I got pregnant with Kendall. I had ppd after Kendall too but I was prepared with my prescription bottle before I left the hospital so I didn't feel quite as bad as the first time. I struggle with lack of "independency" if that is even a word. So even though I love my babies more than life itself, I put myself last on the list of priorities for the first year or so until they become less dependent on me.
I'm starting to sound like an idiot I know...I get a dog and all of a sudden I'm reminiscing about my ppd.  But ever since Cass brought Toby home, I feel like I have post pardum! It is that type of depression that makes it hard for me to focus, concentrate, and enjoy the little things.
I LOVED where I was at in life a week ago. I felt SO blessed. I felt like life was perfect and things were all falling into place. I'm wrapping up my MAT program in a few months, I still get to be mommy and take the kids to school, pick them up, take them places during the day, have dinner together, go to the gym at the crack of dawn, and ANYTHING else I wanted. PURE HAPPINESS!
But nowI feel like I have an infant. An infant I didn't birth. An infant that I really hadn't planned on until the day of. An infant that needs training, lots of training. And let me mention that with Cass' work schedule, I'm on dog duty four full days and nights of the week by myself (with the exception of a three hours a day). Let me also mention that I'm a grad student with one and a half terms left of full time student teaching, action research project and teacher work samples. Oh, and did I mention I pride myself on being a mommy to my two babies??? Did I mention that I have my own health and fitness goals that take time at the gym???
I feel like I gave up all my happiness and independence so that my family can experience having a dog. And I'm sad. I feel like a coward.
Will I grow out of this feeling as he gets a little older, more trained? Will I learn to live with all the extra responsibility? Will I resent my husband for my moment of weakness? Do I sacrifice my happiness and contentment for Toby?? It sounds so selfish and I don't' know the answer to any of these questions. The hardest part is looking at this sweet dog and knowing he deserves such a happy life but I can't seem to find it in me to love making that happen for him and I'm beating myself up over it!

My baby is turning TWO!!!

I can't believe my baby girl turns TWO on Monday!!! We are celebrating with a family party tomorrow...Mickey Mouse style!  I look at this first picture from when she was two days old and my heart melts! Look how little both my babies are!!! I can not believe what a difference a couple of short years makes!

The rest of the pictures are from the first half of this year...and maybe one from Christmas time.

(totally bummed I couldn't rotate this...this is where she hangs out when we go outside to play!)

A few little tidbits on this nugget:

• Favorite color: Purple, hence the color of the font.
• Really only started talking around Christmas time but has not stopped yet. Is putting her noun and verb together to make short sentences...her language just took off once she figured it out!
• Thinks she's supposed to pee standing up like her brother.
• Great sleeper...finally! For the last year she sleeps about twelve hours a night (730 or 8pm until between 7 and 8 am).
• Resists nap time. Just plays and bounces and POOPS! She saves this for nap time...I'm sure of it!
• Also resists wearing dresses. She prefers leggings or Nathan's clothes.
• Kendall is such a ray of sunshine around here. She loves to be a goofball and make us laugh. She knows she's funny and really plays it up!
• LOVES to play with her babies. Sleeps with two of them every night.
• Gives Nathan a run for his money...sometimes I hear him screaming because she's got him pinned!

I am so blessed for both of my babies!!! They are beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, and little monsters all rolled into perfect little bodies of goodness!  THANK YOU LORD!!!!

A time to reflect...

The other day I was asked by my gym, Fitness Experience, to be "Member of the Month" of the month of May. They highlight my fitness/weight loss journey on the wall with before and after pictures and a little bio. It was such a flattering feeling to be recognized for all my hard work and progress. It was also a great time to reflect on my journey. I have to admit that it also makes me a little emotional. I've been a good mom, a good wife, friend, daughter, sister and I HAVE been happy. I have a great life. But I've realized that I can't be TRULY happy until I love myself first. I have not been doing that the last several years and it makes me sad. I had a hard time finding pictures of me from the last five years because they are few and far between...I preferred to be behind the camera. Anyway, I want to share my story because I am proud of how far I've come, the changes I've made and hopefully I can inspire someone else.

My BIO:

My name is Traci Beaver and my journey to better health really began about six years ago. My husband, Cass, and I were married in 2006 and shortly after decided to start our family. Being a mom is all I've ever wanted to be in life and I've been blessed with two beautiful babies, Nathan age 4.5 and Kendall, age 2.  Growing up, I was always active and involved in sports. My weight was never an issue and I had the self confidence that matched. During my first pregnancy I gained 65 lbs. The weight did not fall off as quickly as it packed itself on. After Nathan was born and I was the heaviest I've ever been, my self esteem and self confidence plummeted. I immersed my self in motherhood to avoid having to deal with my outward appearance. I wore oversized sweatshirts and hand me down jeans, with no desire to go shopping or look in a mirror. I have always enjoyed exercise and have always been a member of a gym but no matter how hard I worked, I did not see the results I expected. In 2009, I got pregnant with Kendall. Although I did not gain as much weight during the pregnancy, I still weighed in at 200 lbs the night she was born. A couple of months before Kendall was born, I joined Fitness Experience because it was a close location to our new home and I loved that they offered good classes that I could eventually be part of. It took me several months after Kendall was born to really put my gym shoes on and get back to FE. 

At the New Year 2011, FE put on a team weight loss competition. I was asked to join a team of a great group of women. Although our team did not win, I dropped some weight and was feeling strong. I was running on my own and doing Iron Fit with Cody and Melissa. Once the competition was over I did not make any more progress and my dedication slipped. I was still feeling sorry for myself. My brother and sister are amazing people who always look phenomenal. My sister competed in the Crossfit Games last year and living up to her achievements is near impossible! I just knew that I would always be the "chubby sister" and was really trying to convince myself that I would have to get used to it.

In January of this year I signed up for Rock Your Jeans here at the gym. I needed one last push towards my goals, not just losing weight and getting fit, but I needed to change my mentality. I promised myself that this year would be the year of Mind, Body and Soul. I took the meal plan from Deanna and put my plan into action. I started running three or four times a week, Zumba three times a week, and doing Gravity in the mornings with Brenda. Within the first four weeks I started to see some changes in my body. Something clicked and I knew that there was no going back...EVER! I joined Andrew's Fit Camp and started adding tabata sprints at the end of my runs, and was sticking with my Zone diet. EMPOWERED. That's how I started to feel. Not only that but I rocked my jeans!!!!! Since January, I am down 8 lbs and several jean sizes!!! I ran in a 5K over the weekend and got my new PR...25:42 (and it ended UP HILL!!)

The biggest changes happened on the inside. The negative self talk and name calling turned in to more positive encouragement. Me, myself and I are finally starting to work as a team and it  feels great. I'm happier, more confident, and I shop! I could not have done it without the support system that I am surrounded by. My husbands supports me as I take more time away from my family to work on myself. The constant encouragement and motivation from the trainers and staff at the gym are huge. They all believe in me and there is no way I'm letting them down. Lastly, I feel like I have a family of friends here at the gym. Knowing I will see their faces help get me to class when I'm feeling a little sluggish. 

I know I'm not the fastest or the strongest but I'm the happiest I've been in years. I am still working towards my goals and I know that getting there is a reality. My motto:

"Wake up with determination, go to bed with satisfaction!" (unknown author)

 

 My 'BEFORE' pic...September 2008.

My silly after photo...Taken on Easter, April 8, 2012.

Another New Year!!

With a New Year comes a new resolution...right?! In keeping with tradition I have committed myself to another weight loss competition. I DID NOT meet my weight loss goals last year. I tried and made great strides, but I have some work left to do. I am actually really excited about this years competition. My gym is doing a "Rock Your Jean" contest. Lose 2 jean sizes in 10 weeks! If you succeed, your name goes into a drawing for tons of really awesome prizes...like 100.00 gift card to a boutique, Subway is kicking in a great prize, spa prizes, etc. I don't know about the rewards a ton...just word of mouth. SOOOOO of course I had to go buy a new pair of awesome Silver Jeans!!! Expensive...yes. But it will give me a little more motivation to do this!
Tonight I have to go grocery shopping...on the list...fruit. Lots of fruit! Vegetables, chicken, pistachios, beans, turkey burger, yogurt. I don't really know what else to get.
Here is what concerns me. I did this last year...it was a team challenge. I felt like I did great but did not see the results I was expecting. I did not have a perfect diet but I thought I did a hell of a job changing my eating habits and was working out almost every day. So why do I think it will be different this year????

-I am no longer breast feeding. I think my body retains all my fat when I'm nursing. Nor am I only 7 months post pardum. I feel like my body is even more ready. (Those might be just some excuses for my mental state of mind...and that's fine:))
-I plan on having an even better diet.
-I really want to rock my new jeans. They are SOOOOO cute!
-This year is going to be full of amazing changes. I'm going to grad school, Kendall turns 2, Cass and I turn 31, Nathan will be 5 and going to start his 2nd year of preschool in the Fall...and I will start student teaching. Therefore, I have deemed this the year of Mind and Body!!! (I  feel like I'm always working on soul so I didn't want to make it a resolution...make sense?!)

I am so ready for this and once again I want to blog about this 10 week challenge. Along with the 10 week challenge, it will also be my first 10 week term back in school...GRAD SCHOOL!!! So I will have lots to talk about I'm sure!
Oh and I'm no longer private. Just FYI!

CHRISTMAS TIME!

 We try to stay busy and do fun, festive things this time of year. We have done a ton of baking, looking at lights and Storybook Land.

This is little miss SassyPants!
Hope to post more soon...ages 4 and 1.5 together are a handful! You would think they were teenagers they way they antagonize each other! They keep us very busy!

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda?

Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since we (Whitney and I) submitted our formal complaints against Ken Ball. Whitney just got word that she will receive a response sometime today. I'm not sure if I will get one in regards to my letter or not. As far as I'm concerned, I don't think Ken will tell the truth when asked about what he did/said. I don't think he even knows what the truth is.
Tonight is the post season awards night. I've contemplated in my head about making a statement about the situation. With my grad school acceptance and student teaching looming, I have to tread carefully. It just makes me sick to think back through the whole season...mainly the last seven weeks. I had to sit next to a coach who know very little about the actual game of volleyball, who disregarded my knowledge of the game and my suggestions on how to make the girls better prepared to play the #1 team in the state, who really only mentally prepared the girls on how to handle a loss, showered them with balloons and cupcakes (as if that wins volleyball games).
Now all I have is hindsight. I thought that when this was all said and done I would be proud of myself for sticking out a rough emotional season. For some reason, I'm actually a little more angry. I feel like the ones that suffered the most throughout all of this...the vb girls, Whitney and myself, still have no real resolution. The ones that F'd up in the first place haven't been held responsible. It disgusts me.
At the time of Whit's resignation, the #1 reason I had to stay was for the paycheck. It really is the only reason. I constantly wonder should I have left with Whitney? Put up a united front and stand up for what we believe?! Would it have made a bigger difference in making a difference in how things are done in the administration? Could I have done more? I question all of these things because I still don't feel at peace about any of this. I sat next to Coach Ball for the rest of the season and I feel like maybe I have somehow given off the impression that I stand behind her appointment, stand behind the decisions made by administration...and that is far from truth.
I still struggle emotionally with what I should have, could have and would have done. I regret not fighting for the Interim Head Coach position to finish out Whit's season the right way. I regret not sticking up for myself when Ken Ball practically mocked me. Even now that the season is over I feel like a prisoner who can't fully tell their story. I want everyone involved in the program... athletes, parents, administration, coaches to know that I hate what happened. That it was not easy for me to show up to practice every day and that I wonder if I did the right thing by staying to finish the season.
I'm still so frustrated that I don't even know how to write it in this post...I'm talking in circles. I'M PISSED!!! And I have to come face to face with these people again tonight. Well guess what?! I don't have to stand next to anyone anymore. I don't have to put on a supportive assistant coach face for the girls anymore. The charade is over. I'm done!

This Boy!

This picture sums him up perfectly!

 Things out of this boys mouth lately:

We recently had a talk about how "God lives in our hearts!" The next day while riding in the car he says to me "Mom, I figured out why I'm uncomfortable and itchy!" I say "oh ya? Why is that?"
Nathan: "Because God is living in my heart!"

Eating hotdogs with daddy...
Cass puts another hotdog in the microwave and says "I'm still hungry Nate. I'm gonna get fat."
Nathan: "Then you'll turn into Mommy."
(This stung a little. I had a pity party and then hit the gym.)

We were playing Playdoh yesterday (me, Kendall and Nathan). He wanted me to roll the play doh into little balls. Then I became an immature girl giggling everytime Nathan referred to "his balls." Here are some of the things he said!

"Mom, do you like my balls?"
"Look Kendall! I have big balls."
"Kendall, I have more balls than you."
"One of my balls is bigger than the others."

I kept thinking about the Saturday Night Live "Schweaty Balls" skit...SOOO FUNNY!

In the bathtub I asked him SEVERAL times to pull up the plug and get out. Finally he looks at me and says with conviction...
"I hear what you're saying and I KNOW what I'm doing!" (I guess the kid is aware totally aware of his ability to NOT listen and purposely keep doing what he's doing...grrr.)

The other day he referred to me only as "Honey" for about an hour and a half.

I need to start writing them down sooner because I know I've missed some. 

Kendall on the other had thinks talking is for losers and has only chosen to speak a few select words.
-mamma

-dad

-don't

-up

-poop

However she fully understands what I'm saying and is very good at following directions! Love this little stinker!