So you might already know, but we got a dog. A 6 month old puggle. He's adorable, energetic, and thinks Cass and I walk on water.
I didn't want a dog. I still don't think I do. But Cass has been putting the pressure on for quite a while and when I saw Toby's face I had a moment of weakness. We brought Toby home a week ago and I am really struggling with this decision. I am mad at myself for struggling because its not fair to Cass (or the kids....who like Toby but don't pay much attention to him) and its especially not fair to Toby. He's a good dog, seems to be learning quickly, and is SO cute! It isn't Toby that I don't like. It's everything else that comes along with owning a dog, a puppy.
For the last week I have been in a real slump. Depressed. STUPID RIGHT?! It's a dog. Get over it already and love the damn boy! But I can't shake it and I'm trying to figure out why.
Those who know me well know that I'm emotional. I always have been. The older I get the more methodical my thinking is. I wish you could sit inside my head and watch my brain work! I like organization in my day, my week, and plan ahead. I know what my week looks like before it even starts. In my head I've planned out my clothes, kids lunches, what laundry needs to be done, when to grocery shop, etc and I don't deviate very often. I have no need to. My life is about my family and my kids. As long as I'm doing things that benefit them, then I'm on schedule.
So what does this have to do with getting a dog...
I became more of a thinker/planner after I had Nathan. I had post pardum depression after Nate and I swear it took years for me to get over. Having a baby is so totally and completely life changing that I lost myself in motherhood. My overall appearance and health took a backseat. Then as soon as Nathan was getting to the age where he was more independent and I was able to start focusing a little more on myself, I got pregnant with Kendall. I had ppd after Kendall too but I was prepared with my prescription bottle before I left the hospital so I didn't feel quite as bad as the first time. I struggle with lack of "independency" if that is even a word. So even though I love my babies more than life itself, I put myself last on the list of priorities for the first year or so until they become less dependent on me.
I'm starting to sound like an idiot I know...I get a dog and all of a sudden I'm reminiscing about my ppd. But ever since Cass brought Toby home, I feel like I have post pardum! It is that type of depression that makes it hard for me to focus, concentrate, and enjoy the little things.
I LOVED where I was at in life a week ago. I felt SO blessed. I felt like life was perfect and things were all falling into place. I'm wrapping up my MAT program in a few months, I still get to be mommy and take the kids to school, pick them up, take them places during the day, have dinner together, go to the gym at the crack of dawn, and ANYTHING else I wanted. PURE HAPPINESS!
But nowI feel like I have an infant. An infant I didn't birth. An infant that I really hadn't planned on until the day of. An infant that needs training, lots of training. And let me mention that with Cass' work schedule, I'm on dog duty four full days and nights of the week by myself (with the exception of a three hours a day). Let me also mention that I'm a grad student with one and a half terms left of full time student teaching, action research project and teacher work samples. Oh, and did I mention I pride myself on being a mommy to my two babies??? Did I mention that I have my own health and fitness goals that take time at the gym???
I feel like I gave up all my happiness and independence so that my family can experience having a dog. And I'm sad. I feel like a coward.
Will I grow out of this feeling as he gets a little older, more trained? Will I learn to live with all the extra responsibility? Will I resent my husband for my moment of weakness? Do I sacrifice my happiness and contentment for Toby?? It sounds so selfish and I don't' know the answer to any of these questions. The hardest part is looking at this sweet dog and knowing he deserves such a happy life but I can't seem to find it in me to love making that happen for him and I'm beating myself up over it!
