Normally I don't like to complain or be a downer on my blog or my facebook...however, I feel like this is the best place for me to turn right now to get out what I want to get out. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, maybe I need a higher dose of Lexapro, or maybe I'm reaching my breaking point...whatever the case may be, I have to get this some things off my chest before I explode!
I blame a lot of my emotions on complete and total lack of sleep. Kendall will be 5 months old in a couple weeks and has yet to sleep more than 3 hours straight. I've tried everything...I've read everything. I've concluded that my children have minds of their own when it comes to sleeping. However sleep training is not on my brain at the moment.
I mostly get 2 hour increments...and that's if Nathan doesn't wake up sometime in the middle to ask "is it morning yet?" Or hear my husband come in and climb into bed. I'm sleep deprived. However, my body seems to have adjusted...I somehow manage to get through each day. The human (female) body is amazing. My mind however seems to be suffering.
When I wake up (between 6am and 7:30am) with my kids, I try to be the best mom, housewife I can be. I clean up the mess that was left from the night before, play with the kids, make and drink coffee and try to catch up on the news in between Nathan's show and the wii. I nurse Kendall, and after a short time get her down for a nap. I then do a little more cleaning up, laundry or whatever needs to get done. Nathan also begs for more attention! I pump to prepare for later in the day when i have to go to work (volleyball practice). I make lunch for Nathan and myself, clean up after Nathan, get snacks for Nathan, pretty much cater to his needs since he is only 3! When Kendall wakes up, that makes 2 kids to cater too. Double duty.
Then it's time to head to practice and deal with teenage, freshmen, girls. I used to have to take my kids with me so it was triple the stress. I love volleyball and love coaching...but dramatic girls with attitude make me really grumpy. Sometimes they make it really hard for me to do my job which is make them better players/individuals. I just hope I'm making some sort of impact on them...whether it's about volleyball or life in general.
Then I jet home. I need to get something ready for dinner, nurse Kendall, and get ready for bath and bed time. Once the kids are in bed (8pm) I watch a show. Eat. And then head straight to bed because I know that only three hours later, I'll have to wake up again. Kendall starts the nights pretty well and Cass gives her a dream feed of 2oz around 10...but she still wants to wake up every 2 hours. So If I go to bed in the 9pm hour, I'll be up in the 12am hour and so forth...draining...mentally, emotionally, physically.
I do this everyday and on weekends, it's filled with volleyball tournements or other going ons.
Tonight Cass goes to a graveyard shift so for the next four nights, I'm totally on my own. He will need to sleep during the day. When he wakes up, I head to volleyball, home in time to help with baths, then Cass will leave for work and I'm on my own again.
I love being a mom. I love waking up to my kids and their beautiful faces. They seem to be at their happiest in the mornings as well. As the day goes on, the coffee wears off, I become more tired....and sometimes bitter and angry.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN??? When do I get taken care of? I'm so busy taking care of everyone else in my life that I haven't exercised in weeks. WHEN IS IT MY TURN? To sleep in or sleep more than a few hours at a time without feeling guilty or ashamed. WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
I have roof over my head, food on the table, heat, cable, a car to drive, and a beautiful family...so should I really complain? Should I stop being so selfish?
I feel "weak" just in even writing this blog...so it may not stay posted for very long...
4 comments:
Oh hun, I can halfway relate. I can only imagine how hard it is having 2 children, I seriously go back on forth on having another because I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't have the patience for another child because I already feel so overwhelmed and tired and really want more me time. So the fact that you have 2 is so impressive and your kids feel loved and you are an amazing mom. It's nice to hear other moms feels this way and I'm not alone.
Big hugs.
Okay, just my two cents: If Kendall sleeps in her own room, I think at 5 months she is ready to "cry it out". We did the Baby Wise sleep system and it did work for both our kids (I know every baby is different). As long as she is gaining weight and is healthy, I really don't see the need for a middle of the night feeding.
Also, when I am at my breaking point, I take the kids to my parents and take a nap at their house (If I come home to take a nap I'll get distracted by dishes or laundry). I always feel guilty, but it is the best nap and I feel recharged after!
Every mom has been where you are! :) I try not to think about when this new baby comes and all the sleep I'm going to be giving up!
Awwww Trace, this made me cry! You are nothing close to selfish! You DO need a 'turn' and a break. You deserve all the rest and relaxation you can get. You need SLEEP, good quality stressfree sleep. Can't you break away and come visit me? My babies all sleep through the night (for the most part) and I would take Kendall through the night and Nathan. I'm not joking. It wouldn't be a big deal to do this one or two nights. Everything else on your plate would be so much easier to handle if you could sleep and rejuvinate. Come back to Coos where life is slow and easy.
Sorry I am just reading this now girl. I feel like you and I are so alike in how we deal with stress from our kids and the need for sleep, the Lexapro, etc. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. And in your later post you are so right about not every method working right for every family. Although I had tremendous success with Babywise, I know it's not for everyone. Crying it out isn't for everyone. Kendall will figure it out and you will sleep.
Have you tried feeding her more often thoughout the day? Shorter wake times during the day? I am sure you have already tried everything but figured I'd throw it out there!
Try the Babywisemom.com site that I am always bragging about. Even if you don't follow Babywise, there are some awesome nap and sleep troubleshooting posts on there and one of them just might have an option you haven't thought of yet. I have used it so many times to try and fix an issue with Peyton.
And I know it sounds crazy, but Kendall might be sensing your stress. You do what you have to do to get through and it definitely doesn't make you selfish to want more of ANYTHING for yourself. Lots of love to ya girl. I will say a prayer for you and Kendall to get some sleep. :)
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