Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda?

Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since we (Whitney and I) submitted our formal complaints against Ken Ball. Whitney just got word that she will receive a response sometime today. I'm not sure if I will get one in regards to my letter or not. As far as I'm concerned, I don't think Ken will tell the truth when asked about what he did/said. I don't think he even knows what the truth is.
Tonight is the post season awards night. I've contemplated in my head about making a statement about the situation. With my grad school acceptance and student teaching looming, I have to tread carefully. It just makes me sick to think back through the whole season...mainly the last seven weeks. I had to sit next to a coach who know very little about the actual game of volleyball, who disregarded my knowledge of the game and my suggestions on how to make the girls better prepared to play the #1 team in the state, who really only mentally prepared the girls on how to handle a loss, showered them with balloons and cupcakes (as if that wins volleyball games).
Now all I have is hindsight. I thought that when this was all said and done I would be proud of myself for sticking out a rough emotional season. For some reason, I'm actually a little more angry. I feel like the ones that suffered the most throughout all of this...the vb girls, Whitney and myself, still have no real resolution. The ones that F'd up in the first place haven't been held responsible. It disgusts me.
At the time of Whit's resignation, the #1 reason I had to stay was for the paycheck. It really is the only reason. I constantly wonder should I have left with Whitney? Put up a united front and stand up for what we believe?! Would it have made a bigger difference in making a difference in how things are done in the administration? Could I have done more? I question all of these things because I still don't feel at peace about any of this. I sat next to Coach Ball for the rest of the season and I feel like maybe I have somehow given off the impression that I stand behind her appointment, stand behind the decisions made by administration...and that is far from truth.
I still struggle emotionally with what I should have, could have and would have done. I regret not fighting for the Interim Head Coach position to finish out Whit's season the right way. I regret not sticking up for myself when Ken Ball practically mocked me. Even now that the season is over I feel like a prisoner who can't fully tell their story. I want everyone involved in the program... athletes, parents, administration, coaches to know that I hate what happened. That it was not easy for me to show up to practice every day and that I wonder if I did the right thing by staying to finish the season.
I'm still so frustrated that I don't even know how to write it in this post...I'm talking in circles. I'M PISSED!!! And I have to come face to face with these people again tonight. Well guess what?! I don't have to stand next to anyone anymore. I don't have to put on a supportive assistant coach face for the girls anymore. The charade is over. I'm done!