On a more serious note...

Normally I don't like to complain or be a downer on my blog or my facebook...however, I feel like this is the best place for me to turn right now to get out what I want to get out. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, maybe I need a higher dose of Lexapro, or maybe I'm reaching my breaking point...whatever the case may be, I have to get this some things off my chest before I explode!
I blame a lot of my emotions on complete and total lack of sleep. Kendall will be 5 months old in a couple weeks and has yet to sleep more than 3 hours straight. I've tried everything...I've read everything. I've concluded that my children have minds of their own when it comes to sleeping. However sleep training is not on my brain at the moment.
I mostly get 2 hour increments...and that's if Nathan doesn't wake up sometime in the middle to ask "is it morning yet?" Or hear my husband come in and climb into bed. I'm sleep deprived. However, my body seems to have adjusted...I somehow manage to get through each day. The human (female) body is amazing. My mind however seems to be suffering.
When I wake up (between 6am and 7:30am) with my kids, I try to be the best mom, housewife I can be. I clean up the mess that was left from the night before, play with the kids, make and drink coffee and try to catch up on the news in between Nathan's show and the wii. I nurse Kendall, and after a short time get her down for a nap. I then do a little more cleaning up, laundry or whatever needs to get done. Nathan also begs for more attention! I pump to prepare for later in the day when i have to go to work (volleyball practice). I make lunch for Nathan and myself, clean up after Nathan, get snacks for Nathan, pretty much cater to his needs since he is only 3! When Kendall wakes up, that makes 2 kids to cater too. Double duty.
Then it's time to head to practice and deal with teenage, freshmen, girls. I used to have to take my kids with me so it was triple the stress. I love volleyball and love coaching...but dramatic girls with attitude make me really grumpy. Sometimes they make it really hard for me to do my job which is make them better players/individuals. I just hope I'm making some sort of impact on them...whether it's about volleyball or life in general.
Then I jet home. I need to get something ready for dinner, nurse Kendall, and get ready for bath and bed time. Once the kids are in bed (8pm) I watch a show. Eat. And then head straight to bed because I know that only three hours later, I'll have to wake up again. Kendall starts the nights pretty well and Cass gives her a dream feed of 2oz around 10...but she still wants to wake up every 2 hours. So If I go to bed in the 9pm hour, I'll be up in the 12am hour and so forth...draining...mentally, emotionally, physically.
I do this everyday and on weekends, it's filled with volleyball tournements or other going ons.
Tonight Cass goes to a graveyard shift so for the next four nights, I'm totally on my own. He will need to sleep during the day. When he wakes up, I head to volleyball, home in time to help with baths, then Cass will leave for work and I'm on my own again.
I love being a mom. I love waking up to my kids and their beautiful faces. They seem to be at their happiest in the mornings as well. As the day goes on, the coffee wears off, I become more tired....and sometimes bitter and angry.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN??? When do I get taken care of? I'm so busy taking care of everyone else in my life that I haven't exercised in weeks. WHEN IS IT MY TURN? To sleep in or sleep more than a few hours at a time without feeling guilty or ashamed. WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
I have roof over my head, food on the table, heat, cable, a car to drive, and a beautiful family...so should I really complain? Should I stop being so selfish?
I feel "weak" just in even writing this blog...so it may not stay posted for very long...

The kids had their Well Baby check ups yesterday. Nathan had his 3 year old appt and Kendall had her 4mth old appt and shots.

Stats: (so I've apparently misplaced the paper they gave me...but I'm almost positive these are the stats)Nathan: 45 inches tall = 88th percentile
             33lbs= 60th percentile
Nathan makes us laugh all day long. He says the most hilarious things.
He loves to talk about poop. For me, that's not so hilarious...he totally gets it from his dad!
Loves to exercise with us and run laps around the block. I need to get him into some active things this winter since we'll be stuck inside a lot. I'm thinking Lil' Kickers or swim lessons.
Loves his cousins Kelsie and Maggie. All his stories involve them...he even tells me that he has dreams with them in it. Wish they lived closer.
Is such a good big brother. He ALWAYS tells Kendall that he loves her, kisses her, hugs her, tells her "sweet dreams" in his precious soft voice, and "good morning Kenny B" every morning.
He tells us that he loves us at least a dozen times a day. It NEVER GETS OLD!

Kendall:  25 3/4 inches= 90th percentile
               15.2 lbs= 66th percentile
She's my big girl!!! Still doesn't sleep through the night but I got a couple of three hour stretches out of her and it feels great. She is also in her crib in her own room now. Maybe that will help her sleep longer. She started rolling from back to tummy a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty sure she'll scoot or crawl really soon. She puts her but up and her knees down...all she has to do is figure out her upper body!
We still swaddle her at night. We've proven to ourselves over and over that it still helps her sleep better.
She is eating rice cereal. She does pretty well with it. I'm going to introduce her to some veggies in the next couple weeks.
She coos, smiles, and giggles all the time. Is already very aware of when I'm in the room or not. Her nickname is Kenny B (well, Nathan and I call her that!) or Kendall Roo.

In other news:
I'm totally looking forward to Fall! I love it! Some things are tainted however...last Fall I was pregnant in my 1st trimester...so some smells will forever bring back that morning sickness memory! But it can't ruin my love for this season! Pumpkin patching, peppermint mocha coffee creamer, Fall colors, rainy days cozied up inside, football, HOLIDAYS, Christmas movies and music (which Nathan has already asked for! He loves this time of year as much as I do!), yummy comfort food, and I could go on and on!
I also LOVE having our own home! DUH! It is so nice to come home after a long day or time out and about. We have worked really hard to make our home comfortable and cozy and I would say we are doing a good job! We still have projects but that's alright and I really need some home decor for the walls. We are in the process of painting Kendall's room and organization is an ongoing process. I'm hoping that once vb season is over, I'll start really going to town on all of that!
Cass starts his graveyard shift on Sunday. I think there will be an adjustment period but also think it is going to work out for us! He'll be here most weekdays to be with the kids while I'm at volleyball and he's home until just about the time kids go to bed. He has worked so hard to make life for us more comfortable and we are so proud of him!!!

Have you seen this boy???

He had a 3rd Birthday!!!
Happy Birthday little man...how fast time flies when we are having fun!!!

Beautiful Babes

In case you wanted to know...

Nathan:
turns 3 on the 25th.
loves ice water
loves the smell of cinnamon
full of energy from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep
likes to do Hot Mama workouts with his mama :)
loves his baby sister and loves to give her lots of kisses
tells us that we will be best friends forever and ever and ever and ever
has a ton of anxiety in big crowds and is terrified of anything in a costume

Kendall:
3 months old as of the 7th
a great pooper
still wakes up every three hours
super smiley
was a little over 11 lbs at her two month appt
likes to sit up and look take in everything around her
HATES to ride in the car
is beautiful...big blue eyes and great little lips and she might even have a touch of red hair

Traci:
is getting back into exercising and running and LOVING it
starts volleyball season a week from Monday
SO grateful that she can stay at home with her babes (Thanks Cass!)
working on being more productive throughout the day
has better eating habits
planning Nathan's 3rd bday party and realizes she is a terrible party planner
misses her brother and sister and wishes they lived closer

Cass:
GOT A HUGE OPPORTUNITY AT WORK!!!
He will be training in CT (CAT Scan)!!! This will be great for the long term!
He has to train for 6 weeks in day shift and then will switch to graveyard. That stinks but hopefully only short term. However, this means a nice little pay raise! It will help us get ahead financially and his new schedule will be great for my volleyball season.
Has become quite the handyman around the house.

There you have it!

Us!

My Kids are my World!!