There are always things that people don't tell you when you get pregnant. With my first pregnancy, no one ever REALLY told me how hard parenthood was...especially those first few months. I felt like people really glamourized motherhood and having your first child. Don't get me wrong, it eventually turns out that way, but having a baby is life changing in a way that I don't think people really understand until they have one of their own.
So now I'm less than a week from my due date with baby #2. This is something we have always wanted...two kids, a home, a stable job. Our dreams are all finally coming true yet I'm dealing with an incredible sadness at the same time. AGAIN NO ONE WARNED ME OF THE FEELINGS THAT I MIGHT EXPERIENCE!!! For two and a half years it has been just me and Nathan (and Cass but I'm talking about me being a stay at home mom). We are best buds. Life has become comfortable and easy. He is such a good kid, I can take him anywhere. He needs me but I find myself needing him just as much. The snuggles, hugs and kisses, the quality one on one time, the inside jokes, the laughs, I feel like I already have it all.
So the sadness comes from feeling like I'm going to lose all that. All of a sudden life changes and it will never be the same. I'm sad for Nathan that his life will also be flipped around. I cry almost every night praying that I don't go into labor that night because I don't think I can leave him in the middle of the night...no explanations, no good byes. Would he wake up and be sad or scared because mommy's not there? I know he loves grandma and he would be fine...but night time is our time. It always has been. Even at 4am when he wakes up...it's ME that he needs/wants. Some one described the feeling as if I'm grieving and that's exactly how I feel. I'm a mess.
It's not all sadness...Cass and I are SO excited to meet our little baby Kendall. We want to see what she looks like...will she look anything like Nathan did? We are starting to get anxious, waiting to see if today is the day I go into labor. We have our plans all set.
So even though I know that it will all be ok, I was caught off guard at these intense emotions of sadness. What a mix of emotions of happy/excited/anxiety/sadness. I have learned that MANY people have felt these same ways...however, I'm such an emotional freak that it wouldn't have surprised me if it was just me!!!
On a happy positive note...my due date is Friday and I think she'll probably be here sooner!
6 comments:
Oh Trac! I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way with Tayson. You wonder if you'll be able to love this new baby as much as you love your first. I know, without a doubt, in 3-6 months...when things settle down, that you will feel like she was always a part of your family and you couldn't imagine life without her. Your Love doesn't divide between children, it multiplies like crazy!! Nathan is going to LOVE having a little sister to play with and protect. And you are an AWESOME mom, because you care this much and are concerned for Nathan. This shows how good of a mom you are. I hope she comes early and you'll have her in your arms before too much longer. We love you guys, and I SO wished I lived down the street... so we could take the kids to the park and play and hang out. Miss you!
You cute thing! Your feelings are normal and everyone experiences it a little different. I thought having #2 would rock Jackson's world but like your friend said after a couple of days it was like she had always been with us - No upsets or crazy adjustments.
I was also worried that I wouldn't have as much one-on-one with Jackson but newborns sleep SO much that I didn't feel like he was neglected at all. Even now that she is 16 months, she sleeps 12 hours at night plus a 3 hour nap so we're still getting lots of time with just the two of us.
Your prayers will be answered and Kendall will be an amazing addition to your family! I just love you and your family so much!
Keep me in the loop whenever ANY thing happens labor wise!
miss you.
I think I might need my son more than he needs me.. sometimes. At night when I see him (now that Im working full time) and he doesn't seem excited or give me a hug or kiss or big smile i get sooo sad and it just breaks my heart. I think, did you not miss me? Do you not love me? Why aren't you excited to see me???
I am so excited for baby #2. I have no idea how it's going to be like.. sometimes I feel bad that I won't be able to give as much attention to Lucas as I am able to give him now.
I don't know.. what you're feeling is totally normal. I think it's the pregnancy hormones/mom hormones too. Sometimes at night i Just cry my eyes out because I'm so thankful for Lucas and i just feel SO blessed that I am his mom
Anyways, I'm so excited for you and you are going to be a great mom of 2!! Nathan will adjust really well and he will LOVE his baby sister!! It will be amazing.. perfect and wonderful. :)
Oh I remember those feelings. Spending the night in the hospital after I had Brooklyn was the first night I ever spent away from Porter. Even though I had a new beautiful baby, I cried because I missed Porter at home. Giving Nathan a sister is going to be the best gift he's ever received! :)
You're an angel! A true 2 percenter when it comes to being a mother. If only every parent out there was half as passionate and loving as you are. This world would be radically different. Thank you Trace, for being a light to so many mom's and women out there. For setting the bar on what it really means to be a mom. Your example is going to radically impact 1000's of children for generations to come. Keep it up ICART. Thank you for being an example to me. I miss you so much. Thank you for sharing your hurt. Wuv you! :)
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